When I separated from my Mother………
I was six years old when my father left for work to the Middle East. After, less than three years my mother left too. I can still remember it so clearly waving her good bye and watching as she disappeared into the aircraft with my little sister. I didn’t cry, I’m sure about that but even at the age of thirty eight My eyes started shedding tears when I remembered my mother waving at us -me and my other sister – and I could feel so much pain in my heart , it is un explainable in a paper. The following year my mother came for vacation and this time while we were at the airport to see her off I cried so bitterly and loudly that it must have embarrassed her because that was the last time I went to the Airport to see her off. We children were at the boarding school so we were waved goodbye at the boarding. Then it so happened when my parents came for vacation, my mother came to see at the boarding and I wanted to go home but I had a doubt weather the warden would give me permission to go home so I started crying. My mother asked us to change and get ready to go home but since I didn’t hear the confirmation from the warden I kept on crying. The warden saw us dressed and ready to go but when she saw me crying she said to my mother because she is crying unnecessarily I am not going to leave her home this weekend. Come back another time. My mother pleaded with her to let us go home but in vain. She was a very hardhearted nun and of course because she doesn’t have children of her own she doesn’t know the pain.
I asked the Holy Spirit, “Lord, why is that I cannot forget these hurt feelings which are so old, almost quarter of a century”. I have attended so many retreats and have received many prayers for inner healing. This is the reply I got from him “My child, you have cried so much in the past because you could not bear the separation from your mother, today you still cry even after thirty years, even though today you lack nothing in the world. This is because I want you to feel compassionate towards all the children in the world. Today’s children are tomorrow’s rulers of the world. So lets pray that those who have been chosen by God be healed of all their inequities and be worthy in front of our lord.
The children in the jails, orphanages, Juvenile homes, The children who were abandoned by their parents just because they are invalid, Children who have to be brought up by aunts or grandparents because their mothers are away working, Children who live with their unloving stepmothers/stepfathers, Children who have to go to the boarding school because their single parent has to remarry and the step-parent refuses to look after the child. The Holy Spirit showed me so many examples of children around me who are less unfortunate than me.
On another occasion I was talking to a very spiritual person. I told him how mush I loved Jesus and how much I was willing to forsake anything for Jesus. Then the conversation went into the direction of my parents and I told him I am still hurt I was brought up in a boarding school. His reply was shocking to me. “You are so well placed in society with a good job and good salary. Don’t you think your upbringing in the convent boarding school helped you to shape your future? I said “even if I had lived with my parents, God could have given me the same job and salary” “You say you love God. You believe and preach that everything happens for good. Yet you cannot accept the fact that God wanted you to be brought up in a boarding school”
I told Jesus “I accept my days at the convent boarding school as a gift from your hands. I know you loved me and it was part of your plan for me that I should be planted where I was”. The pain left. Now looking back I realise, I was lucky in so many ways. God protected me under his wings and drove away all the vultures that flew over me. Inspite of all the mental agony I went through I was safe and secure in this corrupted, immoral world.
Jesus, Oh! my sweet Jesus, all the tears I have shed, all my past mental agonies, all the physical pain I have endured, all the hatred I have developed in the past years, I give it to you. Only you can change this black formless ugly charcoal -as I see myself today - to a beautiful diamond. I accept my past from you. I give my future to you. Jesus I truly love you, I trust in you, Keep me in your grace...
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